Good article.

Question:   What is your position on pornography as scriptural grounds for divorce?  For example, when the husband has been involved for many years in internet porn, magazines, borrowed movies, and those on after hours on the premium cable channels and he has been continuously disrespectful, abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally) to the wife in front of the kids and has viewed some of this material in front of children as young as 9 and the child has mimicked the actions and gestures he saw at school. 

I have divorced for this cause and very soon (within 6 weeks of separating) my children referred to their Dad’s friend as his girlfriend and their stepmom who “was getting a divorce too.”  Obviously, the relationship was more seasoned than 6 weeks.  I firmly believe I have scriptural grounds although I could not prove adultery at the time and can now – I certainly could prove the pornography.  I have counseled with several preachers and through study believe that pornography is a form of adultery.  The pornography and all that goes with it (the abuse and degrading behavior toward women and wives) adulterates the marriage.  Although with pornography, sexual intercourse with another woman does not take place, the wife is replaced in her husband’s heart and mind by someone else and his treatment of the wife is degrading and defiles the marriage bed.  Emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse.  Taking what is supposed to be a sacred and loving union between husband and wife and turning it into a degrading and belittling act is defiling.  In my case when my husband wanted sex he was apologetic for his bad behavior and nice to me – once he had fulfilled his needs, his behavior went back to normal (name calling, abusive, etc.)  I do not believe God wants a woman to be a doormat for a husband whose disrespectful and abusive behavior is fueled by his need for pornographic and perverse stimulus.  The church today struggles with this concept.  It is all very clear to me because I lived in it and saw the effects of the porn first hand.  It is a sexual sin, lust, adultery in the heart and destroys and breaks the bonds of marriage.  Many in the church don’t understand this type of adultery because it is a “secret” sin that can be easily hidden and no one would believe that “brother so and so would do such a thing.”  The church needs to wake up and take heed when women in the church ask for the help to escape marriages and men who will not put this sin away and in turn deny and vilify their wives for opening their personal lives up to the church.   Sadly, there are some men who marry within the church, knowing good and well that they can treat their wife shamefully and get away with it because he believes as long as he does not physically touch another woman that she cannot scripturally divorce him.  Therefore he thinks he has trapped her and keeps up a good façade and appearance for the benefit of the church all the while sinning against his wife, his family and God.

Let me know your thoughts.

Mark's Reply:
(Mark Wrote a lengthy article in response to this question)

Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce?

By Mark Larson 

Pornography can cause major destruction to a marriage. The temptation to cheat on one’s spouse becomes ever stronger for those who partake of it (The use of online porn is involved in two-thirds of all divorces!). Yet, even when pornography does not lead to extra-martial affairs, the effects of porn can be quite devastating emotionally, financially, and spiritually to the marriage and family. 

Understandably, when a man or woman (usually the woman) to her horror, discovers that her spouse has been partaking of pornography, she experiences a tremendous amount of emotional distress. She feels shocked, hurt, rejected, angry, and betrayed. Feelings of inadequacy arise and the confidence and security in the marriage is replaced with fears and doubts. Pornography use not only takes a major toll in a marriage, it can also bring much harm and anguish to the children, influencing them toward moral corruption. 

It is for these reasons why more and more brethren are viewing pornography as scriptural grounds for a divorce, otherwise referred to as “Mental Adultery.” This doctrine asserts that when one’s spouse lusts after another, has thoughts of adultery, he or she may then put away his mate for “unfaithfulness” or “fornication” (Mat. 19:9). The proof that is offered for this position is Matthew 5:28. While we can all concede to the fact that “adultery in the heart” (i.e., thoughts of adultery) is no “small” sin to make light of, is it in truth a lawful cause for divorce? 

The Context of Matthew 5:28 

“You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt 5:27-28, NASB).

A major theme in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (Mat. 5-7), evident throughout His preaching, is the importance of paying attention to the heart. At the time of Christ, religious leaders were notorious for giving too much emphasis to the externals or outward appearances to the neglect of the inward thoughts of the mind or heart. Jesus rebuked the scribes and Pharisees for such hypocrisy (Mat. 23:25-28). Concerning the sin of adultery, many were convinced that as long as a person did not commit the actual, physical act, that he or she remained right before God (Mat. 5:27). Jesus shattered such an erroneous misconception through His teaching (See Mat. 5:28 above). Clearly, adultery (or fornication) starts in the heart where sin is first committed: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. "All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Mark 7:21-23). Those who think such evil thoughts are already unclean or offensive to God and must seek His forgiveness (e.g., Acts 8:22). 

Is Mental Adultery Equal to Physical Adultery in Every Way? 

By Jesus’ own words, “mental adultery” is equally sinful before God as actual, physical adultery: “... everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Mat. 5:28). Jesus goes on to warn us of the Eternal consequences of lusting (Mat. 5:29-30). Thus, either mental or physical adultery can condemn our souls to Hell if not repented of (Heb. 10:26-27). We are no better off in the sight of God when we commit sin in the heart than when we physically commit the sin. 

Unmistakably, there is a sense of “equality” between the two. Does it, therefore, follow that if a person catches his or her spouse lusting after another person (e.g., flirting) or viewing pornography that he or she has grounds for divorce?  After all, adultery is a form of fornication and fornication is the cause that Jesus allows for a person to put his or her spouse away (divorce) (Mat. 5:32; 19:9).  

“Adultery in the Heart” Is Figurative, not Literal Adultery. 

Immediately following Jesus’ warning against adultery in the heart (Mat. 5:28), Jesus explains just how seriously we should fight against it: "And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. "And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell” (Mat. 5:29-30). In both passages, Jesus uses figurative language to get His point across more vividly. In verses 29-30, hyperboles are used. A hyperbole is an “obvious and intentional exaggeration; an extravagant statement or figure of speech, not intended to be taken literally, as in “to wait an eternity” (From dictionary.com). Jesus is not advocating self-mutilation. If we pluck out the right eye, we still have the left one that remains and even a blinded man may exercise his imagination and lust in his heart. Instead, what Jesus is teaching us, through figurative language, is that we must make whatever sacrifices which are necessary in order to resist sin, no matter what the price (e.g., TV, Internet, certain friends, career, etc.).  

The “adultery in the heart” of Matthew 5:28 is no more literal than Jesus’ discourse of plucking out the eye or cutting off the hand that causes a person to stumble! Adultery (moicheuo), by definition, is unlawful sexual intercourse, specifically with another person’s spouse (See Thayer & Vine definitions). “Adultery in the heart” does not involve the physical act of adultery, for it takes place in the heart, not the body.  The adultery committed in Matthew 5:28 is figurative, not real or physical, yet nevertheless a sin, an offense to God. 

Both Are Sins, Yet Have Different Consequences. 

Whether adultery is committed in the heart only (Mat. 5:28) or with the body also (Rom. 13:9), sin has been committed. However, each type of sin does not result in the same exact consequences. While both kinds of sin can condemn a person eternally, there are significant differences in the consequences or results that each one brings. 

Mental adultery makes one morally unclean before God (Mark 7:21), yet it is not a sin against the body like physical adultery is: “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). Moreover, adultery in the heart is a private or individual act that does not require the joint participation of another person and his or her body like actual adultery does: “Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, "The two will become one flesh” (1 Cor 6:16). Adultery in the heart simply does not result in the same kind of consequences (e.g., unholy sexual relations, pregnancy, disease, etc.). Of course, adultery in the heart can eventually lead to acting on those thoughts (James 1:14-15), but this is not always the case. 

One of the possible consequences for committing adultery (not mental adultery) is to be put away (divorced) by your spouse for fornication and thereafter have no right to remarry another (Mat. 5:32; 19:9). When Jesus taught that fornication is the only just cause for divorce, He used the word literally, not figuratively. A person cannot lawfully (scripturally) put away his mate for viewing pornography any more than an angry person can rightfully be put to death for his temper by the state! (Mat. 5:21-22; cf. Rom. 13:1-5). Pornography and wrath, for example, are both wrong (Gal. 5:19-21), yet they do not lead to the same exact consequences as actual adultery or murder does. Both can condemn our souls to Hell (if we fail to repent), yet each has different consequences for us while on earth.  

“Unfaithfulness” Does not Always Mean Actual Adultery. 

Commonly, we try to be discreet when speaking of the problem of adultery by saying: “He was unfaithful to his wife.” Yet, when we do so, we are not being specific as to the nature of the unfaithfulness. This leads to generalizations and misunderstandings. Furthermore, this gives the impression that any type of “unfaithfulness” (as defined by us, not God) is grounds for divorce, when in fact Jesus specifically taught that there is only one kind of unfaithfulness which is just cause for divorce – the cause of fornication (Mat. 5:32; 19). 

In the Old Testament (in the NASB), to commit physical adultery is to be “unfaithful” to one’s spouse (Num. 5:12, 27). However, unfaithfulness is not restricted to such a narrow definition in the Scriptures. A case and point is the idolatrous behavior of the Israelites. Through the prophet Ezekiel, God declared to them: “... they have committed adultery with their idols...” (Ezek 23:37). Their idolatry was unfaithfulness to God (Ezek. 20:27-28). By failing to put God first and obey Him (e.g., put away idols), they were unfaithful. 

Similarly, whenever a husband or wife displaces his or her loyalty and is no longer committed to the marriage, then it can rightly be said that he or she is being “unfaithful.” Failure to love (Eph. 5:25; Titus 2:4) and the shunning of martial responsibilities (e.g., 1 Cor. 7:3-5; Eph. 5:22-31; 1 Tim. 5:8, 14) is a demonstration of unfaithfulness. Certainly, “adultery of the heart” such as flirting with others or the partaking of pornography would be acts of unfaithfulness (Mat. 5:28). However, such does not constitute grounds for divorce. Only the cause of fornication does (Mat. 5:32; 19:9). 

Physical Adultery Is Definitive, Mental Adultery is not. 

If mental adultery is allowed to stand as a “just and lawful” cause for divorce, by what standard will it be decided that “mental adultery” has been committed? How will a person know, for certain, that he or she has a right to put away his or her spouse? 

“Mental Adultery” as a Cause for Divorce Is Too Subjective:  Suppose you catch your spouse looking at a pornographic web site or magazine just one time, would you then feel justified to put him away? No? How about twice, maybe three times, or four?  Suppose you catch him or her flirting with another, will you then file for divorce? Maybe him watching a sensual TV show or browsing a women’s lingerie catalog will be enough to provide just cause. Such examples demonstrate that mental adultery as a cause for divorce is left up to the whim and opinion of the individual, rather than the authority of Scripture. Such a standard will be based not on the Word of God, but on the degree of emotional hurt of an offended spouse. Furthermore, this puts the husband or wife in the inappropriate and impossible position of “searching the heart” of his or her spouse. To the church at Thyatira, the Lord Jesus declared: “I am He who searches the minds and hearts” (Rev. 2:23). Indeed, only God has the power, the special ability to search a person’s heart and know exactly what it contains (1 Kings 8:39; 1 Chron. 28:9; Jer. 17:10; 20:12). 

Physical Adultery Provides Actual, Scriptural Proof: In contrast, physical adultery is not determined by the subjective estimation of a spouse whose feelings have been hurt. With physical adultery, there is much more certainty. Either he (or she) committed adultery (a form of fornication) or he did not. There is no in between or middle ground about it (Unlike trying to determine if your spouse has committed mental adultery - Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t!).  

Jesus tells us plainly what the only lawful cause for divorce is: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery” (Mat. 19:9, KJV). Jesus also said: “He who rejects Me, and does not receive My sayings, has one who judges him; the word I spoke is what will judge him at the last day” (John 12:48, NASB). Jesus specified what the acceptable cause for divorce is, thereby excluding all other causes a person can name (e.g., pornography, “mental divorce,” emotional abuse, etc.). Only by standing upon the word of Christ will we have full assurance before the Lord on that last day.

---