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Responses to "The Deception of Pornography"
Brother Mark,
I felt compelled to write to you in response to your pornography article
but did not wish to leave a post as I wasn't certain if my name would appear
on the post. You obviously will have my name and I am perfectly willing for
you to share my thoughts anywhere you please, as I think they may ring true
with many members---minus my name.
My husband and I are members of a sound congregation. Until the past 2
years, we were very active members, my husband even served as a deacon in
the past. We had a wonderful marriage, however not without challenges, as
our youngest child was severely disabled.
My husband, for reasons I could not understand, often battled with low
self-esteem issues which prompted me to do whatever I could to build him up.
I adored him.
Due to an upbringing of sexual abuse and pornography use by my father and
brothers, I was always very sensitized and intimidated by the types of
"mild" sexual images you described in your article. I always took whatever
steps necessary to rid my home and my family of such garbage. In fact, I was
the only family member with the password to the parental controls on the
computer or TV. I had a false sense of safety.
Over the past 2 years, I have witnessed my husband metamorphisize into
someone I no longer recognized. He became angry, irritable, verbally
abusive, physically abusive to my youngest child, constantly blaming me for
his actions or inaction. I was an emotional wreck--working harder and harder
to please him, care for my children, and make ends meet. He insisted that I
work more outside the home because I "made more money" and one of us had to
be home with our disabled child. My agreeing to do this at his request
became an enabling factor for him. The devil is a master manipulator--I was
just doing what my husband asked. I was worn to a frazzle---but staying busy
kept me from having to think.
Last July, the mystery began to unfold and my world came crashing down.
There were "near misses" several times over the past 2 years where my
computer had begun to malfunction due to viruses---but I was easily
convinced that these were impossible to have been caused by him since he
didn't have the password.
I will enclose an excerpt from my S-ANON Step One story about what
happened next:
All of my insecurity, suspicion, and fear finally came
to a head in July of 2006. It had been a full month now since we had last
had sex. He always had an excuse, or feigned ignorance that he hadn’t caught
the signal that I wanted sex.
Late one afternoon, I was sitting at the computer
examining the history—which I had just recently learned I could do. I had
long since quit looking at the violation logfiles on the parental control
because they didn’t make sense to me and I felt comfortable knowing I was
the only person with the new password. If he was looking at porn, it
certainly couldn’t have been on our computer I thought.
Looking at the history, I was puzzled to see several
German site names. My husband was sitting behind me on the bed reading the
newspaper. “Why in the world are there German sites on this history?” I
asked. Without even looking up from his paper, “I don’t know, ask your
son”.
I called ____ into the room and he shrugged his
shoulders, “No clue, Mom”. ____ was a poor liar—I could tell he was being
truthful. I also knew he hadn’t visited the sites by the dates—he wasn’t
here when the sites were accessed.
I felt sick, but began clicking on the sites one by
one. The first few sites were sites for saunas and hot tubs—nothing
spectacular—but why was he looking at these?
I questioned him again, telling him I knew he was lying
because of the dates. “Okay, okay, Honey, you ruin everything. I was
planning to get us a new sunroom added onto the house and wanted to surprise
you.”
“From Germany? We can’t afford that right now---you
know that.”
I continued clicking. The more I clicked on the
links—naked women began to appear. Naked women in hot tubs, in saunas, then
spas. Then there were German nude pictures people had posted of
themselves—both men and women. German gay sites, lesbian sites, on and on
and on. The parental control was still on and it was allowing all these
images to come in simply by using foreign words.
Your article hit the nail on the head about the things
we do not view as pornography. After denial, relapse, and near suicide, my
husband is now a member of Sex Addicts Anonymous--a 12 step group similar to
AA. Compared to many of the other addicts there, my husband's problem may
seem mild--but it is as equally destructive and unmanageable without help
and support. His problem began with images as supposedly innocent as the J C
Penney catalogue ladies underwear section and progressed from there. Sex
addiction is a progressive disease of the mind. Like you mentioned, the mind
craves more and more and becomes no longer satisfied with what it once was.
Most addicts move from here to hardcore porn and ultimately act out in
reality with affairs or prostitution.
Sex addiction stole my husband's manhood, as he became
unable to perform sexually and he ultimately lost his sanity and who he was
as a person--not to mention his soul. It stole our marriage. It stole my
self-worth as well as his--and the list goes on and on.
My husband does not look or behave like one would
expect a sex addict to "look". Most addicts do not. He has never looked or
flirted with "real" women--only images. He is a very kind, gentle,
attractive man who would appear to have everything going for him.
For future articles, it may be of interest to you that
with all the addicts in my husband's group--the addiction is rooted in
resentment and anger, which as it festers, demands to be medicated as a
means of escape rather than turning to our "Higher Power". Anger and
resentment destroys in more ways than one.
And finally, the often forgotten causalities of
pornography--the family. I have lost everything. My heart has been broken to
the point that I haven't been able to function. I have no joy. I can no
longer go out of my house without crying--and I have always been known for
my strength in adversity. But this has broken me. We are in financial
disaster. My faith has been at an all time low. I must accept that my
attempts at righteous living cannot control my husband's behavior and that
my husband's actions are not "God letting me down".
Two weeks ago, I joined S-ANON and things are beginning
to look a little brighter. The isolation is excruciating as sex addiction is
looked down on far more than any other addiction. It is the most shameful.
Church members no longer try to talk to me as I am too ashamed to admit the
problem and get help from the brethren. I don't want others to think poorly
of my husband.
My youngest child was neglected due to being locked in the living room in front of the TV while my
husband participated in this activity for up to 8 hours a day. This has
been hard for me and is the reason I quit my job altogether. I couldn't bear
worrying about him. I have to "Let go and let God" now and wonder how we are
going to pay the bills.
My husband is working his program and searching for a
job. I just felt compelled to share this with you and encourage you to
direct any families you might counsel to SA and S-ANON, as this problem is
not something people generally just "stop doing" and never relapse without
intervention-- and the effects on the family and the church can be
devastating.
I humbly ask that you pray for me and my family.
In Christian Love,
Your Sister_______
Name Withheld
Good article.
Question: What is your position on pornography as scriptural grounds
for divorce? For example, when the husband has been involved for many
years in internet porn, magazines, borrowed movies, and those on after
hours on the premium cable channels and he has been continuously
disrespectful, abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally)
to the wife in front of the kids and
has viewed some of this material in front of children as
young as 9 and the child has mimicked the actions and gestures he saw at
school.
I
have divorced for this cause and very soon (within 6 weeks of
separating) my children referred to their Dad’s friend as his girlfriend
and their stepmom who “was getting a divorce too.” Obviously, the
relationship was more seasoned than 6 weeks. I firmly believe I have
scriptural grounds although I could not prove adultery at the time and
can now – I certainly could prove the pornography. I have counseled
with several preachers and through study believe that pornography is a
form of adultery. The pornography and all that goes with it (the abuse
and degrading behavior toward women and wives) adulterates the
marriage. Although with pornography, sexual intercourse with another
woman does not take place, the wife is replaced in her husband’s heart
and mind by someone else and his treatment of the wife is degrading and
defiles the marriage bed. Emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse.
Taking what is supposed to be a sacred and loving union between husband
and wife and turning it into a degrading and belittling act is
defiling. In my case when my husband wanted sex he was apologetic for
his bad behavior and nice to me – once he had fulfilled his needs, his
behavior went back to normal (name calling, abusive, etc.) I do not
believe God wants a woman to be a doormat for a husband whose
disrespectful and abusive behavior is fueled by his need for
pornographic and perverse stimulus. The church today struggles with
this concept. It is all very clear to me because I lived in it and saw
the effects of the porn first hand. It is a sexual sin, lust, adultery
in the heart and destroys and breaks the bonds of marriage. Many in the
church don’t understand this type of adultery because it is a “secret”
sin that can be easily hidden and no one would believe that “brother so
and so would do such a thing.” The church needs to wake up and take
heed when women in the church ask for the help to escape marriages and
men who will not put this sin away and in turn deny and vilify their
wives for opening their personal lives up to the church. Sadly, there
are some men who marry within the church, knowing good and well that
they can treat their wife shamefully and get away with it because he
believes as long as he does not physically touch another woman that she
cannot scripturally divorce him. Therefore he thinks he has trapped her
and keeps up a good façade and appearance for the benefit of the church
all the while sinning against his wife, his family and God.
Let me know your thoughts.
Mark's Reply:
(Mark Wrote a lengthy article in response to this question)
Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce?
By Mark Larson
Pornography can cause major destruction to a
marriage. The temptation to cheat on one’s spouse becomes ever stronger
for those who partake of it (The use of online porn is involved in
two-thirds of all divorces!). Yet, even when pornography does not lead
to extra-martial affairs, the effects of porn can be quite devastating
emotionally, financially, and spiritually to the marriage and family.
Understandably, when a man or woman (usually the
woman) to her horror, discovers that her spouse has been partaking of
pornography, she experiences a tremendous amount of emotional distress.
She feels shocked, hurt, rejected, angry, and betrayed. Feelings of
inadequacy arise and the confidence and security in the marriage is
replaced with fears and doubts. Pornography use not only takes a major
toll in a marriage, it can also bring much harm and anguish to the
children, influencing them toward moral corruption.
It is for these reasons why more and more brethren
are viewing pornography as scriptural grounds for a divorce, otherwise
referred to as “Mental Adultery.” This doctrine asserts that when
one’s spouse lusts after another, has thoughts of adultery, he or she
may then put away his mate for “unfaithfulness” or “fornication” (Mat.
19:9). The proof that is offered for this position is Matthew
5:28. While we can all concede to the fact that “adultery in the
heart” (i.e., thoughts of adultery) is no “small” sin to make light of,
is it in truth a lawful cause for divorce?
The Context of Matthew 5:28
“You have heard that it was said, 'You shall
not commit adultery'; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a
woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his
heart” (Matt 5:27-28, NASB).
A major theme in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (Mat.
5-7), evident throughout His preaching, is the importance of paying
attention to the heart. At the time of Christ, religious leaders were
notorious for giving too much emphasis to the externals or outward
appearances to the neglect of the inward thoughts of the mind or heart.
Jesus rebuked the scribes and Pharisees for such hypocrisy (Mat.
23:25-28). Concerning the sin of adultery, many were convinced that
as long as a person did not commit the actual, physical act, that he or
she remained right before God (Mat. 5:27). Jesus shattered such
an erroneous misconception through His teaching (See Mat. 5:28
above). Clearly, adultery (or fornication) starts in the heart where sin
is first committed: “For from within, out of the heart of men,
proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders,
adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit,
sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. "All these evil things
proceed from within and defile the man” (Mark 7:21-23). Those
who think such evil thoughts are already unclean or offensive to God and
must seek His forgiveness (e.g., Acts 8:22).
Is Mental Adultery Equal to Physical Adultery
in Every Way?
By Jesus’ own words, “mental adultery” is equally
sinful before God as actual, physical adultery: “... everyone who
looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her
already in his heart” (Mat. 5:28). Jesus goes on to warn
us of the Eternal consequences of lusting (Mat. 5:29-30). Thus,
either mental or physical adultery can condemn our souls to Hell if not
repented of (Heb. 10:26-27). We are no better off in the sight of
God when we commit sin in the heart than when we physically commit the
sin.
Unmistakably, there is a sense of “equality”
between the two. Does it, therefore, follow that if a person catches his
or her spouse lusting after another person (e.g., flirting) or viewing
pornography that he or she has grounds for divorce? After all, adultery
is a form of fornication and fornication is the cause that Jesus allows
for a person to put his or her spouse away (divorce) (Mat. 5:32; 19:9).
“Adultery in the Heart” Is Figurative, not
Literal Adultery.
Immediately following Jesus’ warning against
adultery in the heart (Mat. 5:28), Jesus explains just how
seriously we should fight against it: "And if your right eye makes
you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for
you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body
to be thrown into hell. "And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut
it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the
parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell”
(Mat. 5:29-30). In both passages, Jesus uses figurative language
to get His point across more vividly. In verses 29-30, hyperboles are
used. A hyperbole is an “obvious and intentional exaggeration; an
extravagant statement or figure of speech, not intended to be
taken literally, as in “to wait an eternity” (From dictionary.com).
Jesus is not advocating self-mutilation. If we pluck out the right eye,
we still have the left one that remains and even a blinded man may
exercise his imagination and lust in his heart. Instead, what Jesus is
teaching us, through figurative language, is that we must make whatever
sacrifices which are necessary in order to resist sin, no matter what
the price (e.g., TV, Internet, certain friends, career, etc.).
The “adultery in the heart” of Matthew 5:28 is no
more literal than Jesus’ discourse of plucking out the eye or cutting
off the hand that causes a person to stumble! Adultery (moicheuo),
by definition, is unlawful sexual intercourse, specifically with
another person’s spouse (See Thayer & Vine definitions). “Adultery in
the heart” does not involve the physical act of adultery, for it takes
place in the heart, not the body. The adultery committed in
Matthew 5:28 is figurative, not real or physical, yet
nevertheless a sin, an offense to God.
Both Are Sins, Yet Have Different Consequences.
Whether adultery is committed in the heart only (Mat.
5:28) or with the body also (Rom. 13:9), sin has been
committed. However, each type of sin does not result in the same
exact consequences. While both kinds of sin can condemn a person
eternally, there are significant differences in the consequences or
results that each one brings.
Mental adultery makes one morally unclean before
God (Mark 7:21), yet it is not a sin against the body like
physical adultery is: “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man
commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own
body” (1 Cor. 6:18). Moreover, adultery in the heart is a
private or individual act that does not require the joint participation
of another person and his or her body like actual adultery does: “Or
do you not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one
body with her? For He says, "The two will become one flesh” (1
Cor 6:16). Adultery in the heart simply does not result in the same
kind of consequences (e.g., unholy sexual relations, pregnancy, disease,
etc.). Of course, adultery in the heart can eventually lead to acting on
those thoughts (James 1:14-15), but this is not always the case.
One of the possible consequences for committing
adultery (not mental adultery) is to be put away (divorced) by your
spouse for fornication and thereafter have no right to remarry another (Mat.
5:32; 19:9). When Jesus taught that fornication is the only just
cause for divorce, He used the word literally, not figuratively.
A person cannot lawfully (scripturally) put away his mate for viewing
pornography any more than an angry person can rightfully be put to death
for his temper by the state! (Mat. 5:21-22; cf. Rom. 13:1-5).
Pornography and wrath, for example, are both wrong (Gal. 5:19-21),
yet they do not lead to the same exact consequences as actual
adultery or murder does. Both can condemn our souls to Hell (if we fail
to repent), yet each has different consequences for us while on earth.
“Unfaithfulness” Does not Always Mean Actual
Adultery.
Commonly, we try to be discreet when speaking of
the problem of adultery by saying: “He was unfaithful to his wife.” Yet,
when we do so, we are not being specific as to the nature of the
unfaithfulness. This leads to generalizations and misunderstandings.
Furthermore, this gives the impression that any type of
“unfaithfulness” (as defined by us, not God) is grounds for divorce,
when in fact Jesus specifically taught that there is only one
kind of unfaithfulness which is just cause for divorce – the cause of
fornication (Mat. 5:32; 19).
In the Old Testament (in the NASB), to commit
physical adultery is to be “unfaithful” to one’s spouse (Num. 5:12,
27). However, unfaithfulness is not restricted to such a narrow
definition in the Scriptures. A case and point is the idolatrous
behavior of the Israelites. Through the prophet Ezekiel, God declared to
them: “... they have committed adultery with their idols...” (Ezek
23:37). Their idolatry was unfaithfulness to God (Ezek. 20:27-28).
By failing to put God first and obey Him (e.g., put away idols), they
were unfaithful.
Similarly, whenever a husband or wife displaces
his or her loyalty and is no longer committed to the marriage, then it
can rightly be said that he or she is being “unfaithful.” Failure to
love (Eph. 5:25; Titus 2:4) and the shunning of martial
responsibilities (e.g., 1 Cor. 7:3-5; Eph. 5:22-31; 1 Tim. 5:8, 14)
is a demonstration of unfaithfulness. Certainly, “adultery of the heart”
such as flirting with others or the partaking of pornography would be
acts of unfaithfulness (Mat. 5:28). However, such does not
constitute grounds for divorce. Only the cause of fornication does (Mat.
5:32; 19:9).
Physical Adultery Is Definitive, Mental
Adultery is not.
If mental adultery is allowed to stand as a “just
and lawful” cause for divorce, by what standard will it be
decided that “mental adultery” has been committed? How will a person
know, for certain, that he or she has a right to put away
his or her spouse?
“Mental Adultery” as a Cause for Divorce Is Too
Subjective: Suppose you catch your spouse looking at a pornographic
web site or magazine just one time, would you then feel justified to put
him away? No? How about twice, maybe three times, or four? Suppose you
catch him or her flirting with another, will you then file for divorce?
Maybe him watching a sensual TV show or browsing a women’s lingerie
catalog will be enough to provide just cause. Such examples demonstrate
that mental adultery as a cause for divorce is left up to the whim and
opinion of the individual, rather than the authority of Scripture. Such
a standard will be based not on the Word of God, but on the degree of
emotional hurt of an offended spouse. Furthermore, this puts the husband
or wife in the inappropriate and impossible position of “searching the
heart” of his or her spouse. To the church at Thyatira, the Lord Jesus
declared: “I am He who searches the minds and hearts” (Rev.
2:23). Indeed, only God has the power, the special ability to
search a person’s heart and know exactly what it contains (1
Kings 8:39; 1 Chron. 28:9; Jer. 17:10; 20:12).
Physical Adultery Provides Actual, Scriptural
Proof: In contrast, physical adultery is not determined by the
subjective estimation of a spouse whose feelings have been hurt. With
physical adultery, there is much more certainty. Either he (or she)
committed adultery (a form of fornication) or he did not. There is no in
between or middle ground about it (Unlike trying to determine if your
spouse has committed mental adultery - Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t!).
Jesus tells us plainly what the only lawful cause
for divorce is: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his
wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another,
committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth
commit adultery” (Mat. 19:9, KJV). Jesus also said: “He
who rejects Me, and does not receive My sayings, has one who judges him;
the word I spoke is what will judge him at the last day” (John
12:48, NASB). Jesus specified what the acceptable cause for divorce
is, thereby excluding all other causes a person can name (e.g.,
pornography, “mental divorce,” emotional abuse, etc.). Only by standing
upon the word of Christ will we have full assurance before the Lord on
that last day.
Feedback from Mark's Blog:
I am so
glad that finally someone in the church is talking about this subject. For
too long this has been avoided due to its "uncomfortable" nature.
In the paragraph, PORNOGRAPHY WRONGLY TEACHES US THAT ALL SEX IS ACCEPTABLE,
you wrote, "Pornography will effectively desensitize our resistance against
extra-marital affairs, thereby tempting us to become unfaithful to our
mates."
Jesus said that a man that looks on a woman to lust after her has committed
adultery in his heart already. So with that said, don't you agree that by
participating in these acts you ARE being unfaithful to your spouse? I don't
think Jesus would agree that only actual "penetration" is being unfaithful.
You are breaking your marriage vows and God's law by merely looking and
lusting.
Responses to "Is Pornography
Grounds for Divorce?"
Another Comment From Mark's Blog:
Your
article, "Is Pornography Grounds For Divorce?" is a pretty good discussion.
I don't know that I've seen anything else written on this subject in the
brotherhood. I believe it needs to be given some open attention, and I
appreciate your article doing so. Your term "Mental Adultery" is one I have
not before come across. Yet, by your use of it, I assume you have seen it
used, perhaps on a somewhat wide scale basis. I have suggested for many
years that we need to give more attention to this general subject.
I think you probably did a pretty good job in analyzing the original meaning
of the Greek term translated "adultery." I suspect your conclusion, based on
the intended meaning of the original word there, is a pretty good one.
However, adultery is a specific act within the realm of sexual sins
described by the broader term "fornication." While "adultery" is definitely
"fornication," I believe we have to conclude that there are a number of
sexual sins that fall under the term "fornication" that do not necessarily
fall under the stricter term "adultery," unless Christ concludes that all
sins of fornication equate adultery. Those are two different terms. I think
we have to be careful to not make a careless, across the board application,
but I think we need to devote some careful, thoughtful discussion to the
relationship between the two terms.
Mark,
Hi, it's me again. Just reading your last article and thought I'd
give you another 2 cents worth if you care to hear it.
I don't really have a strong opinion on whether pornography is
grounds for scriptural divorce as I hadn't given much thought to it. At
a glance, I tend to agree with your angle--that viewing pornography is
not the same thing.
I am trying to save my marriage and if for some reason it fails--I
will not remarry and I can say that with assurance!
In reading the article, it brought a question to my mind that perhaps
you hadn't considered in the equation (perhaps you had though).
I can see that viewing pornography is no more adultery than looking
at a woman and considering sex is adultery. But had you considered the
aspect of not merely "viewing" pornography, but rather "having sexual
relations" with pornography as 2 separate things? And this is one of
those "gray areas" I try to stay far, far away from--but I wasn't
certain of your thought process when you arrived at your conclusions.
To clarify what I mean, a man merely looking at pornography and
having lustful thoughts as opposed to a man viewing pornography for
hours, months, and years on end and stimulating oneself to climax to
those images each time (thus giving his PHYSICAL sexuality to that
woman) and for years denying his spouse her sexual rights in the
marriage because he has already "spent" what is hers with another woman
and cannot perform?
As I said, that's far too gray for me to ever feel comfortable
with--but that was the very first thought that came to my mind as I was
reading the article. I see a difference there and was wondering if you
were coming from the same place when you wrote the article.
Thanks for your perseverance on such a horrible, but badly needed,
topic to preach to the world.
Your Sister,
Mark's Response:
Sister ,
It was good to hear from you again. I
appreciate very much you passing along your thoughts in what you have
gained through your own study and experiences.
You are right in bringing up the problem of
self-stimulation, a practice that most often accompanies the viewing of
pornography. Perhaps I should have included that issue in the article I
wrote (“Is Pornography Grounds for Divorce?”). Self-stimulation has been
such a taboo subject -- rarely if ever addressed in sermons, classes, or
articles.
I have a hard time believing that a man can
merely view pornography and not also be tempted to stimulate himself
and/ or act on his arousal somehow, someway, though
self-stimulation seems to be the most common response, especially by
men.
Your description: "having sexual relations
with pornography (as it involves self-stimulation)" vs. merely viewing
it would nevertheless still be figurative within the mind who commits
adultery in the heart (even though self-stimulation is involved).
Sexual relations would not literally be taking place with another person
and thus it would not be considered by God as actual fornication (or
adultery) and grounds for divorce (Mat. 19:9).
With that being said, you still raise an
important point that should be examined, especially as we think about
how God views the matter. You are
right in making the distinction of the man who merely has lustful
thoughts vs. the man who lusts and also stimulate himself to the
pornography he sees. Although I would not classify the latter as "having
sexual relations with pornography," I definitely recognize that there is
something much more sinful taking place when lusting is accompanied by
self-stimulation.
There is no command, example, or necessary
inference from Scripture that would condone or authorize
self-stimulation. One might argue: "Where does it say in the Bible we
can't!" However, the silence of the Scriptures does not authorize
anything.
When the apostle Paul gave instructions
concerning sexual relations in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7, he did not
say that if a couple deprives one another of sex they can stimulate
himself in the meantime. Instead, he said: "Stop depriving one another,
except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer,
and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of
self-control" (1 Cor 7:5, NASB). I mention this, because some
attempt to justify self-stimulation by saying that they think of their
spouse when doing do. However, such reasoning may actual tempt a person,
over time, to not just think of their spouse, but other people.
Nevertheless, Paul said to pray, not stimulate himself!
What I believe the Scriptures to teach on
the matter is this: When
self-stimulation accompanies the viewing of pornography, there are at
least two different types of sin that are taking place. The first sin
would be lust or adultery of the heart (Mat. 5:28) in the looking
at pornography. The second sin would be the self-stimulation because it
is not authorized by Scripture (See notes above). Only through the
affection and sexual relations in marriage is any kind of sexual
fulfillment authorized (1 Cor. 7:2-5; Heb. 13:4). To reason like
Nadab and Abihu and say “God didn’t say we couldn’t!” will lead to our
destruction (Lev. 10:1-2).
There are many other types of sin that are
committed through the act of self-stimulation: Self-stimulation is
very self-centered or selfish (Phil. 2:4), for it not only
disrespects God and the authority of His word, but it also disregards
our spouse’s needs and takes away from the affection due him or her
(1 Cor. 7:3). Abstinence from sex in marriage requires Christians to
focus on God and pray (1 Cor. 7:5), not to focus on self and
one’s personal pleasure (e.g., self-stimulation).
Furthermore, self-stimulation can quickly
become an addiction, like a master that has power over us. As I am sure
you are aware, studies have proven its addictive nature, which is much
like the effect cocaine has on the brain. Anything that enslaves us,
including something that may possibly be “lawful” or permitted by God,
becomes a sin for us to practice. “All things are lawful for me, but not
all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not
be mastered by anything” (1 Cor. 6:12). We are to have only one
Master and Lord Jesus Christ (Jude 4; Mat. 6:24).
Moreover, self-stimulation requires
fantasizing about sex and/or viewing pornography. Through the practice
there is an ever increasing attachment to the sexual pleasure it
provides. The person is essentially devoted to the practice and sexual
pleasure has become an idol in his or her life. Thus, he is guilty of
the sin of idolatry (Col. 3:5).
Finally, self-stimulation would be a sinful
use of one’s body because a person is using his or her body parts (or
members, instruments) for the purpose of sin (especially as it involves
lusting after others or “adultery in the heart”). “Therefore do not let
sin reign in your mortal body that you should obey its lusts, and do
not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of
unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the
dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Rom.
6:12-13).
I wanted to take an honest look at the
question you raised because I believe it is a sorely neglected one that
deserved an answer from the Scriptures. I believe there are many reasons
from Scripture that condemns the practice of self-stimulation as sinful.
So to be as accurate as possible according to truth (God’s word), the
self-stimulation that often accompanies looking at pornography should
not be viewed as “having sexual relations with pornography” (which leads
to misunderstandings and confusion), but instead a sinful practice
for many other reasons.
Let me know your thoughts. Thanks again for
giving me your feedback on the article.
In Christian Love,
Mark
Last
Response:
Mark,
Excellent description of what I was unable to put into words. You
captured it perfectly. I was just wondering if your thoughts in the
article were also couching in that perspective.
I see what you are saying about the confusion of "sexual realtions with
pornography"---but was at a loss for what else to say.
Yes, self-stimulation is not a favorite pulpit topic--however, may be
much more easily read in your bulletins and likely very profitable for
many.
Keep up the good work.
Your Sister,
